I have been in a relationship with someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder for 14 years. In the meantime you need better security on your house so he cannot break in. I did fall into withdrawing from him when it started to fail and now recognize that this may have been due to my own inability to love/TRUSTand my way of trying to yield a different result (aka control?) Being a mom and knowing how much she had been through and not seeing you, I told you that was wrong and that I would buy her something. My husband left me over a year ago. Keep in mind that narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and other narcissistic traits to NPD. Catherine, Just reading all these responses it seems most of the sufferers of this kind of narcissistic abuse are females, and that most abusive narcissists are males; although Im sure there must also be male sufferers of female Ns too.. My family and friends did not expect me to make it out of my marriage alive. Hes always telling me how to run my life, deal with my kids etc yet I cannot speak to him about any issues he has.Im supposed to be the good wife, just be there, just listen etc and if Im having a problem and hes got the time hes all ears and all opinions (un wanted opinions too) yet when he wants to hear none of it, he has too much on his mind already, he has no time for the crap he becomes hurtful and nastyhes like a jekyll and hydeloving and caring one minute dont bother me with this crap other timesI feel so confused and tired of walking on eggshells and I could write novels about all the different things he gets mad about but I am never ever to be upset with himhe always has a way to defend his actions or justify themHe should have been a lawyer. I was married 19 years and had 4 sons. But I wasnt trusting his intentions. help me please Kim. He spins everything to make me wrong and him right. Narcissists need to be the center of attention at all times. My advice if you are in a relationship with a nar, get out and dont let them manipulate you back in. Ok, comeback lines for the provocation mentioned before, Kim ideas are welcome: He (saying that doing a favour for one of his attractive female colleagues saved his day, sighing): X, what you are saying hurts me and it reminds of your affair and I instantly feel afraid that you will do this again. Over the christmas break, whilst my daughter was with her dad, I spent 3 fabulous days with his daughter and him only to find on the last day being rushed out of the house so that he could watch a rugby match with his best mate with no idea when Ill see him again. My quandry now is the see saw that I am on with him, believe it or not he actually has admitted to me that he knows hes difficult to live with but then he goes back to being Dr. Jekyl this is causing such an absolute drainage on me sometimes I truly want to give-up. I cannot imagine doing such things to our children. How different from what I normally get from my husband. The child is held accountable and encouraged to recognize and understand a feeling . Til death do us part. I worked through all your books, eagerly. I have also tried Kims suggestion at not allowing my husband to put me down when he is trying to shut me up bc he cant handle hearing an opposing opinion or something that points out a negative or fault of hismy husband likes to tell me how to do certain mundane tasks like cleaning up after my new dog when she releases herself on our floor. Everything is subtle. That took a lot of courage and self-respect. He mixes prescription meds and alcohol and is a walking time bomb. Hi Elaine and welcome (-: Stepping out of the way of the consequences you describe would mean having him charged and put in jail for his assaults on you. As my counselor said, he wont change, but as I change he will either adjust or leave. Still havent done anything legal Im nearly positive he never will (but oh, I was already wrong once! And he is blaming her for his spending of her money! I am sure I forgot somethings if there is any doubt in your mind while I am ending this, read this again until you get it. 3. Kim first let me say thank you for being the only voice that says it is possible to stay with a Narc I ordered Back from the Looking Glass I was hiding it as I was reading it but he found it and boy was he livid to put it mildly after being subjected to a horrible rage episode I put it down for a while and felt a bit hopelessIll spare you all the gory details weve all heard them before but my breaking point came when he put my son out (who suffers from depression) and I told him I would be leaving also but that I would come back on weekends I just needed to be able to think clearly while not being subjected to his tyranny under the same roof with him everyday. Thoughts anyone? She tells me the affair is over (actually, she insists it never happened most of the time; though I have evidence to the contrary) and she is still working for the guy she had the affair with. Your last comment to me when I told you I was giving up on this relationship was. As we dont live together, but see us on a daily basis (working together), there is no chance to verify, what he is actually doing. Forever taking and never giving. Absolute hell. He would feel bad for actions, shameful even and would replace, apologize or do what he could to help resolve the issue for me that hurt me. Every crazy thing that has ever happened in our relationship that I could never understand was outlined in the characteristics and traits of a person with NPD. for 2 years before we divorced and hosted multiple person sex parties where anything goes. I just wonder what percentage of the male population is like this? 7 Be leery of future love bombing. That might not sound like much to some people for us we were lucky to go 5 days without something happening. I really am too frightened. Real trust is earned and not given anyway and so no you shouldnt trust him yet, things need to be set up now so there is complete transparency. Well things have obviously been pretty delicate since then and Im keeping a healthy distance but we have in the last few months been repairing our relationship. I am very close to the point where I may sit him down and explain a few things about Daddy to him, that will help him learn to cope with his fathers behavior, and to help him see that it is not about HIMits Daddys problem. Hi Rose Boundaries should always be set with action not words. So then, you cannot hold someone accountable who will not be held accountable. You need to say that he will need to pay the excess or you will be forced to contact his work (parents) about the claim requesting that the excess be paid out of his pay. He still works very closely with the woman he had an affair with for two years and I need that relationship ended even if it isnt an affair I feel it is still too close and too much He makes real good money but tells me he works his ass off for me because I quit my job and hurt us. For years I thought eventually hed come back into my life. Thank GOD I didnt marry himhe had said he would probably never marry me anywayand more and more, Ive discovered that he did me a huge favor that way. Did I catch it from him? Everyday is a challenge. Democracy creates this slavery in our society, and we call it progress. My question is, it would be great to rely on someone else (police, doctor, etc) to deliver the bad news to him about his behavior, but the things my husband does are too mild for that. I know that if I just pull a little bit back, give him his own feeling of space he will be fine.. 4. Why do i hurt for him so much when i know it will not change and he has moved on. Would the more dominate one win out or would they x each other out? Ive been aware of his N personality for 10 years & actively working on me instead of trying to change him, for the past 3. Who should be the person who deals out his consequences? They are give and give. Kim & Steve, thank you for sharing your wisdom. I have never loved nor despised a man as much as my n I was told that Your friends have told me you have drinking issues and you are not in control and Im worried about you This was said in a romantic restaurant in central London so Sandy stormed out and ran away.. (storm no 1) Then I was told that Im not conforming and I should accept him for who he is and was immediately slighted for not complying to his needs Storm no 2 On this one he persuaded me into the car and verbally abused me for an hour whilst locking me into the car Ive had telephone calls at the middle of the night for 3 hours with him trying to explain his point of view because I just dont get it Its a sad thing being codependent but Im now aware of my upbringing and why I always look for men to approve me. I wonder if there are any young men out there who have made a relationship work with a NPD young lady I feel with love and support from friends and family there must be a chance, I would appreciate any advice like most people who deal with this personality type as a mother I have been to hell and back, as well as most advice saying basically its my fault shes like this. To me, there is no other explanation. It took me awhile to recover but the next time he begin, I immediately put him in his place and each time he tried to come out, I put him in his place again. 6) You gifted me a pair of boots and then pawned them without telling me, when you needed money. I ignored all of his suggestions, found a fab clinic to provide all my treatments in, perfect location and great clients to gain Before that happened we split up after him not handling our discussion about his controlling ability. In Kim & Steves ebook Back From The Looking Glass there are several examples of how to accomplish this. Hold yourself accountable. annulled. I am a school teacher, so I used many of the strategies I use to manage behavior with students, and they often work. She is also a functioning alcoholic and has had an affair. He has been a major womanizer and into porno all my married life. I am so glad to know about it! The thing for my friend is he doesnt want me to leave him so I try to become a safe person for him all the while being very careful to not become his victim. Refusing to challenge a narcissist's opinion helps you avoid the risk of being attacked. Kim, do you think your husband had to do something similar when he learned how to be more accountable? He was hell on earth in the beginning but I researched and read materials to the point I understood his disorder. They say they are sensitive, but the behavoir is undermining and abusive and can rip a person to pieces, even if they keep their cool, underneath that one can see that they are seething, but they will never admitt it. Ive now found myself again, and this website. To shut down a narcissist, you have to be more prepared than . I believed him about the stuff about his EX, why wouldnt I, who would have thought a man could make up such immoral disgusting things about another person. I either need to do what I think is correct or if its something we need to speak about I will wait until things have calmed down. I do know he does not have credit cards because he just filed bankruptcy. There is NOTHING you can do and even attempting to manage is not worth the headache and most times doesnt work anyways. But I cant call the police, or the doctor, or even the priest, and say my husband said hed call me but he didnt and he got mad at me when I expected him to be sorry about that or My husband laughed at my idea like it was ridiculous.
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