It is easy to forget to appreciate the loved ones we see and speak to every day, but one day, they will no longer be there, and youll yearn for just one more opportunity to hug them and tell them you love them. Sorry, again, for the long post theres always a lot for me to get of my chest when it comes to my dad. all. Dont think you know it all, because it is your first time, too. Which he did, but he seemed very needy and insecure. I feel like I never really knew my father after this awful behavior. After suffering a loss, we understand how short life is and realize that it can change in any given moment. He said he wanted to thank all us kids for all our help with my mom. When the weather permitted, Id meet her at the condo and wed go for a short walk and pick up coffee to sip while we walked. As if I was 2 years oldtonight, he did it again over the phone. The next morning i was woken up with her SCREAMING that she has NO privacy in this house. He told me he was upset because my younger sister had hung up on him. However, I do not have to be as sensitive to my in-laws, because they are adults, and I am not responsible to them. She was sick for just a short time. Hearing Im so sorry for your loss after the death of a loved one is the equivalent of a politician sending thoughts and prayers after a mass shooting. I dont think his girlfriend should be living there after dating 3 months and then remove my mothers things so she feels more comfortable there. And while I understand my mothers death has taken a toll on us all, I dont feel that my dad gave himself adequate time to grieve and as a result is acting in a very selfish manner. Let go. Interesting then that my brother would come home the other night to find them cuddling on the couch at my dads house. Especially when you're going through your own grief. When Dad first died, I told everyone that I didn't want to talk about it. He absolutely is seeking your approval for his happiness he simply isnt going about it in the right way. Today is a gift of God. Her own son-in-law refused to even enter her house for years. I guess I have it wrong Anna, I thought its was about what made my mom happy. What killed me was that THEY HELD HANDS AT THE FREAKING TABLE WHILE WE WERE EATING. Anyway, no, you should want to start your family somewhere else. I have met her once and she is a nice lady, but shes not my mom. Well he & Stepmother # 1 were married for 20 years when she passed away. Awesome. Shortly after the funeral, the song came on the radio on my way to work, and I absolutely lost it. ( the dynamics may change) I know that there is a sense of family loss when your father or mother enter a friendship or more serious relationship with someone else. That's what people do when they start their own families. Every time Id mention the topic to my mom, shed say you guys arent ready, you should wanna stay here and help me financially. To contribute to the house Id pay the 400 phone bill since my dad died, but ultimately saved to move out. My dad was already planning the future while my mom was living. Im not frail, fragile nor naive. I just hope that you could open your mind to someone new in your life, understand that they are not trying to replace your mother or father. He wanted to come here with her and I said no. I suppose if you married an orphan and there is no family to consider that may seem just fine. If you care at all recognise that for the family it will be like losing two parents. She wants to do this even before the estate is settled. It is time for you accept that the lifestyle dad provided for you is gone. Its no one elses business. And.. Our house was a mausoleum. The only practical suggestion I can make at this time would be to let your father know exactly how you feel. I slept every night for 3 months in the hospital with him bc he couldnt talk or use his arms to alert the nursing staff to his needs. Without warning years later she sneakily bought her own house. Back in July my Dad and his girlfriend got married and moved in together. He talks to me now as if I was 8 sometimes. Recently my sister was hoping to get some help from an organisation where people visited the elderly. It stayed this way up until very recently, when my dad met his new girlfriend. It is very hard for any child to accept the death of his or her father, especially when it was unexpected and everyone was so young. In the summer, I helped him clean out my moms clothes. Whitney gave me back a piece of him that would have otherwise faded. The lack of consideration for our feelings is slowly breaking up our relationship with her. Her house sold and then all of a sudden she is living in my parents house. I have never spoken to her or met her. We told him that our grieving process is not done and we are not there yethe does not care. You don't have to take over for him forever, but it may be a good idea to do as much in this respect as you can until she gets more used to being alone, and then you can slowly cut back and she can get used to doing all of these things for herself. We bonded like we hadnt ever. Firstly, I speak as an Englishwoman married to an American who has only recently after almost 25 years of marriage taken joint citizenship! But she likes shopping because it gets her out of the condo and provides her with daily human contact. Remember, your father has made a choice. Wn we would try to bring it up to him it became Dont you want me to be happy? After losing my mom and seeing my dads insecurities surface so quickly, I have begun to look more at him as I would a child. She was diagnosed in 1999 and suffered through 4 years of chemo treatments and finally succumbed to the disease. Yes, certainly more culpable if you ignore your young childrens feelings but also for in-laws and adult children too. I called my dad to check up on him. NTA Go and live your best life. Unfortunately my dad (47M) died in result of the pandemic in the end of 2020. Communicating with him is like trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. He sent them to an auction house. What do I do? Thank goodness for social media, it helps a little. After reading your post I felt like we were kindred sisters! Yes it is about my happiness but my family does come first. She will not go to hospitals with him as she doesnt like waiting around.My father says he is grateful to us but cannot comprehend the irritation and annoyance his behaviour causes. Hi Dee, From being a very close knit family to being estranged is quite something. You are not responsible for your extended family. He was single for a while, and really took the time to bond closely with my brother and me. I never in my life expected my father to choose a stranger over his own daughter because I wont have anything to do with her. Before he left, he promised he would only be a phone call away. Im just not up to dealing with that yet. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. While my situation is not quite the same as yours, I did feel that the woman my Dad married was pushed on him by his neighbor. I am surrounded by my mothers belongingsall the knick knacks she loved to look at, I now have a daughter who looks and acts just like my mother did, and I am having to cope with my father bringing another woman into the home he made with my mother. We were very close; she was my best friend. She had dates lined up and then after the second, started regularly dating. If the PR prevails at trial, brother will need to move out within a few days, or the sheriff will forcibly remove him. We have to look outside ourselves, our own feelings, we cant control how anyone feels, but we can control our actions and we can work on ourselves and challenge ourselves to do something uncomfortable ( especially for your dad) he has done so much for you , for your family, for your late mother or loved one. This is a remarkably fitting suggestion from a redditor named "discworldian". Funny I said to my husband recently that if someone had said to me that for the amount of money I may inherit I could have not gone through 35 years of trauma I would gladly have given up the cash. It hurts, but we all must take a stand for what we truly believe is acceptable. Now, friends and she permed and we share a picture of a support group a few months ago. She called two nights before my moms funeral wanting to talk to my dad, and we were having a family meeting with the pastor to plan my moms service. What if she hates you because youre Its been five months since she passed but I knew for nearly a year that she was going to die, it was a matter of time and that was that. Dad went thru surgery and treatment and is now cancer free. First of all, I told him he wasn't allowed to spend much time alone for the first two weeks or so. I feel the pain of all the daughters on this website and Im glad I found this site. She is very social and loved the friendships I couldn't understand for a very long time what feeling this pain that never really goes away has done for me, but I eventually realized it has taught be to be strong, humble and bold. Mother died quite young age at kyle field. Mum shocked to be called. Virginia I can really relate to a lot of what you wrote. However, I think it is fair to say that even if she is comfortable financially,which seems unlikely judging by her age, that an opportunity to move to the U.S or even go for an all expenses paid vacation would be seized with open hands. He wanted companionship. I get that, and its not that I expected him to never get married again or have a relationship with another woman, but it just seemed to happen so quickly for him. He constantly talks bad about my mom and then crys over my mom. Its lime he has not only moved on, but he no longer wants anything to do with anything that had to do with his marriage to my mom, including us kids. Instead, he quickly filled that void, and doesnt understand why our family relationship/dynamic cant be exactly the same as it was before my mom died. I cant have him without his girlfriend, but it hurts to be around her. I was a wild animal fiercely defending my mom in her space. This story is long, and if youve reached this point, i mean just finish it off . While their kids and other relatives have mates and continue on with their lifes. I realize that I still am not ready to accept this & quite honestly dont think I ever will because I dont have to accept her into my life & I really dont want to. Our family members secluded us, for reasons that are not even worth the effort of sharing but that made us 4 tight. I accept him having a companion, but not one that draws a wedge between him and I. I dont think Ill ever be able to except her. The reality that my Widower Boyfriend (WBF) was deeply involved with someone (me) other than their mother was a shock for the AC. Ive talked to him and my brothers but they dont feel everything or see things as I do. The person who talked about teenage behavior is right. WebA legal document directed the family home gets sold after the father died. the new woman wife has new clothes, a new car, purses, things my daughter never had. Posted on July 20, 2021July 20, 2021By JaneVock. I thought my feelings of anger and hurt were unfounded. My parents were married for 45 years and my mom died of colon cancer. Reconciliation,would never be accompanied by any apology. My dad does things with his new woman that he never would take the time to do with my mom. Its a beautifully horrifying memory that is vivid to this day. After my father and my dad also her mother was inheriting everything to keep a plant you may think about 25 and the same disease. To make it worse my Dad moved 7 hours from all of us kids and we havent heard from him very often. On another occasion she said Id never noticed what fat arms you have.. 3 years ago he met someone at a doctors office and brought her over one night to introduce us. Offer an invitation of friendship but if shes not interested and doesnt want it, then thats her decision. I dont want him to sit around being a lonely old grieving man as he has accused me ..but since he asked for my opinion of this relationship so soon (and really wanted my blessing)I stated to him and his lady friend.that I felt he owed my mother more respect than this. He claimed that their marriage had been difficult for about 5 years and that my mother-in-law would treat him very badly when they were home alone. The woman I married and loved did not even resemble the women who died after nearly five years of illness. Kind regards Gaynor, I am in the same situation, I am the oldest of 5 children, the other 4 have diffrent views but basically they dont want to piss daddy off because they might get the treatment I am getting. My mom passed away 2 years ago and I have always been accepting that my dad would need to find someone to spend time with. I think two equally lonely pp found each other and are love drunk I wish I could say someone was sane, but in the end, I just hope my dad isnt being played. Only someone that is shallow and selfish would do this. We took a week to plan for the funeral, etc. My question. A few times between lockdowns, I would visit with her and just sit on the couch beside her watching along with her. It happened so fast. I read your post and I feel your pain. It went on for a bit. The love that you have for your spouse and your children will never change. It definitly could be worse. I feel that his relationship is a violation of my mothers memory because he is better to this woman than he ever was my mother. she is like a dog marking her territory. He goes to dancing every Tues night. Generally it's fine, i had this summer. I went next. My dad passed in 2004 and my stepmother inherited nearly all of my mothers nestegg intended for her children. What makes it even harder is that dad also has terminal cancer, and we dont know how long he has left to live. Wow Andrea. Im 29 ok, my dad and mom were living with my moms mom in her house of 50years. It is more about the widower than it is about whatever woman they happen to be dating. Naturally, I know there are exceptions to this rule but I speak in general terms. You have an alcoholic father and an abusive mother. Sorry, kid. You're best on your own. Actually, you would be best with your chosen family, the c I had a physical reaction, my pulse quickened, I was sweating, my heart broken it was intense. Now shes struggling financially & its my fault. P.S Sorry for the typo in last post should read threw herself at him, Hi,I was just re-reading these posts and I wanted to address some of the points made by Todd Paxman in posting 54. My mom was dads age, a size 14, short, and conservative looking with a mom-type haircut. What do you guys think? .I cant believe I found this website. Make sure you take care of yourself and grieve how you need to. Its dragging me down, and I know things can be so much worse but I cant imagine him marrying this woman and her living among my mothers things, and even moreso, putting her own personal touch on this house. It isn't your job to take care of her. Furthermore, she is talking about how she's going to be alone forever, and none of her friends are widowed, and she isn't sure how she is going to make it without my dad. He has appeared on the "Grieving The Healing Heart" radio program and is published in the 2011 books, "Open To Hope, Inspirational Stories of Healing After Loss," "Grieving the Sudden Death of a Loved One" (2012, DVD), and Grief Diaries - Through the Eyes of Men (2016, book). People I trust who Ive spoken to about this all say the same thing, to develop some kind of communication with the girlfriend. I went alone, my husband started a new job and we cant afford it yet. He pretty much worked up until he died. I attempted to counsel my dad on the timing and the possible reasons he wanted to pursue this intimate relationship and the reasons he should wait. Many times, she would make the entire dinner and transport it to my nieces place, leaving them with food for the week. He would not let us grieve in our time. She reciprocated the invitation through my Dad a week or so later to spend an evening out .but I declined this time. I need to be there. she said. Mom is likely scared to apply for work after all those years. What about me?. We had a great time. But I do agree the but family thing is just bs. She could care less. Within weeks, my father took up with a mutual friend of theirs. Nothing aside from the aspects of sickness (hospital beds, handled toilet seats, medications, etc) changed in our house. Press J to jump to the feed. Ugh!! He lost his identity when my mom passed. Listen to them, support them, be there for them as much as they will let you, and pray, pray, pray. WebThe first. Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. I know they had this relationship during the marriage. TWO days after she passed away, he was bragging about how we wanted to get out on the town and get laid. Thinking of you and understanding where you are at! Your father has his grandchildren because he has you. Ive tried ignoring it and being the bigger person always doing her dishes, then she starts moving in more on my house putting her mark everywhere and being home all day in my grandma house. My dad projects a lot of hatred towards my mom for leaving us kids a portion of the estate. My take on it is this: Get on with it if it will make you happy. I felt silly for assuming that I would upset her if I reminded her of her dada person who, of course, was never far from her mind. I am glad to see I am not alone. Margaret "Maggie" Murdaugh and her 22-year-old son Paul were both killed in June 2021. Even if she said she was she would probably change her mind. Fast forward its been almost 2 years shes been coming in and out of family events which was fine for me because I only look at what my mother feels if shes happy Im happy BUT as time goes by she starts sleeping here at our house and they sleep in the living room like teenagers have ing a slumber party slowly days pass by she wound go home to her own house and I would see HER WEARING THE OLD CLOTHES OF MY LATE Mother which angers me and which makes me think she has no respect. Nijedan od ovde navedenih proizvoda nisu lekovi, niti mogu biti zamena za uravnoteenu, raznovrsnu ishranu i zdrav nain ivota; kao ni za tretmane lekara i konsultacije s njim. Your choices are agonising ones. He was told that she was and remarked that her husband object to her visiting another man-hes almost 88! If, in all circumstances you ask yourself the question: Is this how my mom would choose for me to be living my life? Can you lay down your unhappiness and anger long enough to understand that we all (even your father who you are unhappy with and have judged) want to be wanted, needed and loved. Focus your energy on creating the kind of life that would be a tribute to your mom.love your children; love your spouse but most of all love yourself the way she would have loved you. They only spend week-ends together and during the week they are at their respective homes but she is now entitled to his pension. I had always been very close to my Mom and I knew my Dad was lonely and miserable. I feel that, its heavy. She wonders how long this will last until we accept her. I gave them space and just pleasent with her thats it. I am sick to death of reading on all these grief websites that life goes on, no one is expected to spend their life alone, blah, blah, blah. That is why I really cant feel bad towards this womanif it wasnt her, it would be someone else. I feel like it will NEVER get better. that is all fine & after a respectful time (my definition of this would be 6 months or more), than go for the intimate stuff. The time to have conversations like this is before anybody dies. It wasnt until years later that Sally revealed to me that I had focused so much on distracting her with impromptu dance parties, that I hadnt actually been there for her in the way that she truly needed. We both knew it was her fault-she was just so stoned when we met her. Your counsellors attitude is beyond comprehension! Im really not trying to discourage anyone from accepting your own situation (in time) . My dad had a Christmas decorating the tree party a couple weeks before Christmas for all his Your email address will not be published. What is wrong with that? Another website I just left everyone was telling me to grow up, stop being selfish and thats her personnel affair. When I moved out for college, my parents relationship began to change. She spoke with great detail about a moment when she was riding the subway with her dad and chose to keep her headphones in as he was trying to speak to her about his faith. I feel bad more for my sisters, but also why cant my mother get a job & step up for them? People of all ages show complete selfishness and display the behaviour sometimes associated with petulant teenagers! I really dont know how he can do anything more hurtful at this point. Im the girlfriendhe has 5 adult kidsALL in their 40s1 is a daughter thats spoiled and MEAN, daddy pays for everything_> her bills >she dont even has to work! My kids were. It was exactly how I feel and sadly where I am at. But I love him , he is a great man, I know he is not perfect but I know not one of us is perfect but we have to be kind. He may back us financially (and again, I dont want to disregard his generosity here), but our relationship is suffering. If you're including internet then that's another $100, I was paying the whole houses phone, so its about 6 lines and then also if they had purchased phones so I was paying off their phones too. Dad has apparently lost his frugal mentality, He bought a new car, treats his girlfriend as if she can walk on water and does for her, all the things my Mom always wished for. All I can say is I am so glad that I came across this website. I have lost my father, and she couldnt care less about anyone but herself. I think our options are to either let our relationship continue to grow weaker and more stressful or to try to get him to agree to speak to a counselor/therapist that we could all speak with. I only wish that they and others would stop confusing the love and devotion I had for my wife and have to her memory with moving forward and living life. Decide if you to cry on two years. Its an insult to me and my dad doesnt even care. That is NO EXCUSE for these newly widowed people to act like teenagers in their first love affair after their wife dies. The most of my dad mine lost for just died, really dependent. My Dad and I have never been close but Mom wanted us to mend the rift and after her death I stayed with Dad and helped with as much as I could before going back to my family. Sometimes, grief hits you in weird moments, but thats when you might need to let yourself live in that sadness the most. We have to live it the best we can and not have any regrets later on. We would go over to each others houses for dinner. What hours of the day did he keep her company? For you need to keep in honor her passing. WHEN my father died just over three years ago both my mother and I went through a rough time, as we missed him badly. I dont like hanging with her because all she talks about is my weight, my skin, and repeated stories about things I dont feel comfortable about (example: your father doesnt want me to wear clothes to bed. Just more pain, more hurt, more sadnessI only hope I would never cause anyone the pain that this has caused me and my family. Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole. I did because I loved him and felt so very sad for him losing mom and dealing with his own cancer. Don't help anymore than you feel you must. Within a few weeks after losing my Mom, my father started talking with women online for friendship and companionship. We do not live together.We both had spouses that die under the terrible cancer disease. He left immediately after we ate. It is also the mother of a friend i had in elementary school. It appears to me that your dad has been extremely lonely since your mom passed and he feels this woman has given him life again. I LOST IT. How do I deal with my fathers need to include his new girlfriend in all of our family activities? I am guessing the woman is younger. Im in such a state. The love of our lives died right in front of us, helpless, all our dreams to grow old together and spend the golden years taking care of each other, see our grandchildren grow up, be with our best friend forever just vanished in front of us. As far as Im concerned unless you are going through it you wouldnt understand. I didnt want to but I thought Id try to be nice and meet her. She was mad at me because I wouldnt get him out of the meeting to talk with her. I'm really really close with my dad, so I can't imagine how you're doing right now. So he breaks up with her. He didnt tell me anything that he was doing or who he was with. Oh and because when i came to visit them on their vacation i was really there to cheat on my husband she claimes. People spend more time debating which car they will buy than Is this person suitable or are they just making themselves available?. My wife was taken away from me well before February of this year. #pov after my mom died my dad wants to move to the city. But he wasnt the only one affected upon his wifes death as Lisa B. commented. After all this time he is good and angry about the way I am treated in order for my father to maintain good relations with this unworthy woman. I wish you the best. He read to her every night until she fell asleep. 2) this new woman existed It's normal, but it's unhealthy if you're sitting by yourself for hours, allowing yourself to draw deeper and deeper into that mindset. my mother had a dying wish for her ashes to be dispersed of in a specific manor and there was a plan to do this but now it has changed and i belive its because of new plans my father has made with his new girlfriend. I cant stop thinking about it. This disease took her away from me as a wife. Ellen and my dad married in October of 2004 just a little over a year after my Mom passed away. Ironic that what motivated me to try to forgive was the fact I did not want him to be alone. On the contrary he thinks that he owes her because she moved and sold her house on retirement to live with him. He knows that I do not approve, but he has told me on more than one occassion that he doesnt care what I think. She has told him he has a dirty mind. ( I understand that there are some exceptions and some times this will impossible to accomplish) Well, I overextended myself. Do not live in the same painful place, allow yourself and your family to move on. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres. I told him I wasnt ready to meet her so he set it up that when I came to visit him last night in the hospital she was there. And he is happy. See a pattern, most of the blogs are about dads who took up women for happiness or coping. My life hasnt been the same since my mom died but its also changed even more since my dad left. I began to call her around 4pm every day and wed share about our days in lockdown. While you want your father to find happiness and companionship, it also feels threatening to the memory of your mother, and an intrusion to your family unit as it was. time. I would be happy to chat privately Ive just set up an email address for solely this purpose at ellasisland-at-yahoo-co-uk (Ive replaced the @ and the .s so the address isnt picked up by automated software, youll need to change them back to email me). She lives about 20 minutes away. But if you dont, youre taking the risk that in 35 years youll end up where I am with a family destroyed by his selfishness and sham relationship. I didnt even know if my dad was going to live and my mom had just past some months before and here I had to deal with her. When driving back from hospital the other week he asked who would be taking him back the following day. And on top of everything that was going on with my mommy, my dad and i hadnt been getting along for a couple years now. That i dont respect that she doesnt like the shampoo i buy her or the hand soap. But, I got through it, and now, six years later, I look back at all the moments in my life when I felt like I couldn't go on and smile on them because they've made me strong and they were raw. I am on-line trying to find information and guidance on how best to reconcile my love for my daughter, the need my boys have for a mother figure (they absolutely love her by the way), and how to explore the possibilities of a life with this woman. Oh how I wish I had found this website after my Mother passed,18 months ago. I feel okay about my behavior through it all as I only ever told him the truth about how I felt, I never yelled or lost my temper. My mom died of cancer April 2013 and then this month, July 2014, my dad got a lady friend. August 31, 2013 at 11:59 pm. I don't know if it helps, but if you do ever want to just spout out, feel free to PM me. I FEEL I LOST MY DAD, I TRY TO STAY AWAY ,I POP IN SOMETIMES.THIS PHIPPLINE FAMILY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS OWN,I BELIEVE MY BROTHER IS THINKING OF HIS OWN RETIRMENT.I WISH I COULD JUST NOT FEEL SO GUILTY.I DONT WONT TO BE INVOLVED WITH THESE SNAKE IN THE GRASS.THANKYOU FOR READING THIS IM TRYING NOT TO BE ANGRY ,BUT MY DAD COULD DIE OVER THEIR .HE IS 80 YEARS OLD ,CANNOT GET INSURANCE,WE MIGHT GET IS ASHES????????????????????? Im not trying to justify his actions, only getting some sense of my own and how best to protect my daughter, who suspects that this friend of the family and I are becoming more then friends. Im pretty sure she felt offended, but she was trying to smother me with affection that was not reciprocated and I felt might not be genuine but just something to make her look good in front of my Dad. I will never be close to Ellen. tread lightly and keep your business to yourself and you may find the adult children will come around.