WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. (I threw it all up and cried. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. So you need to be more encouraging of her spending time with him and stop acting like a little club. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? but this might be the best Ive ever read here. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? I think you are probably right. Mother of a Fangirl. It is definitely a good idea for the LW to lead her daughter by example by showing an interest in Dads interests and even suggesting an outing that he would like or that all of them would enjoy. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. Especially a board game like Cranium where everyone can shine in what theyre good at, and it can be good to pair up with someone youre different from. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. The point here is that Mom seems to allow her to only have interest in those things, which is bad. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. lets_be_honest As a result, she may start to rebel and act out, which can eventually drive her away from her family. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. lets_be_honest (directed at the view in general, not you Fabelle) Am I not a read mid-twentysomething because I like them? I resented how I wasnt allowed to pursue my own interests, and how the only interaction from my father was doing something he wanted or berating us about not having his interest and how stupid our own interests were. I hope the LW sees your comment. He may think that if she leaves the home then shell be safe from his alcoholism. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. bittergaymark Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. Make it a game. Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. My mother attended maybe a handful of my softball games in the 10 years I played competitively. Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. Grow up, already. Thats true, I had that thought that maybe the mom and daughters perspective on assignments was skewed. (Kept me sane), Astronomer And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. Cardinals games and all. Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. Shes all the better for it. You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom July 2, 2013, 11:03 am. Show interest in his interests. Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. Is there a middle ground? He is dedicated and hard-working. First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. Also, now I know how to fix stuff. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. Really truly. I think she may have deactivated. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. Your email address will not be published. Ive grown up to be a very accomplished writer, and my dad loves to read what I write. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. 2. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. Older and (hopefully) wiser She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. They have to come at this from a position of mutual respect. No. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. LW, your daughter sounds awesome. Aaaaah! I dont care if he thinks her shows are boring his wife and daughter deserve respect. Losing the . If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. As always, your anonymity is golden. I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? It can be even tougher to try to figure out what to do about it. Mommy and daddy love each other. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. Or find something neutral. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? Absolutely. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. July 2, 2013, 2:36 pm. Also, at what point does the LW start to teach her daughter that she should stand up for herself and her interests hate to think about the precedent being set that we must always cowtow to the man of the house. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. My fave was Joey for the record. He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. We were really physically active and loved camping and sports, unlike the LWs daughter, but those books made us voracious readers, which in turn made us verbally proficient, intellectually curious, and capable of exploiting our imaginations in sophisticated ways. My father did not indulge in those with me but we had a great relationship. 'My husband is a terrible driver. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. I think the bottom line is that she is twelve- all of her interests could change in a year or two. That is why he is pushing her to explore new things. Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). The comments seem to be about split on this issue. The episode where Picard experiences an entire lifetime with a wife, children, grandchildren etc. I was so bad at the sports I was enrolled in that I would cry and beg not to go back, because I was the worst and everyone let me know it. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). See a different horoscope: Select bittergaymark lets_be_honest I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. Its already happening. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. If she likes Star Trek and Firefly and he likes science they might both like going to a science museum. It cant be. Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. sarolabelle July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. lets_be_honest "If your family don't want to see both of you . Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. It will also probably be more effective if you can get your children to stand alongside you, at least during the initial intervention and I realise that will be hard. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. Fruits and veggies are healthier than potato chips thats a fact. I think visiting an air and space museum if shes interested in Star Trek is a great idea. But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. Im dying for new people to follow! You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. What if your partner rolled his eyes and engaged in ever escalating arguments would you keep pushing them together!?! I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. Terms & Conditions . My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. I got a very different vibe from this. I had his favorite dinner prepared and all possible distractions blocked. I hope the LW looks to the comments because she is not wrong to feel hurt and confused and could have used guidance which I dont think you supplied. She is also noncompetitive. Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker.